Call it what you like, but right now there are thousands, probably millions of amorous young things (ok, and old) far from home, getting it on with one another. And why not? It’s what our bits and pieces are for, isn’t it? Making each other happy? Exactly!

You might be single and looking for some uncomplicated fun, or new couples on your first adventure together – either way there’s likely to be a bit of nakedness, right? At least you hope so…

First base

Without wagging a finger, tutting in disapproval, putting proverbial ice cubes in your pants or simply looking away in abject horror, we thought it worthwhile to offer a few tips on exotic fondling and surviving a bit of hanky-panky in different cultures. If you’ve ever had a slap in the face, been reprimanded for a bit of a snog, had trouble finding those rubber things that make it safe, or endured several days of sheepish ‘downstairs’ discomfort and a trip to the naughty clinic, this one’s for you. If you haven’t, you’re not missing much, so here are a few simple ways to avoid emotional and physical damage in your quest for sexual nirvana.

Looking for love?

Let’s be honest, pre-meditated chat-up lines are pretty useless at home, so they’re even less likely to work overseas. Blokes: saying ‘If I said you had a hot body, would you hold it against me’ deserves a drink in the face for being unimaginative, or at least a pitiful smirk and an end to your conquest at the first hurdle. And ladies: you’re usually much more subtle and use the internationally accepted body language, but shaking your nearly empty glass, fluttering your eyelids and wiggling your bum is a bit lame. A general rule – remembering you’re not at home, and that things can be taken differently (i.e. the wrong way) will help you avoid embarrassment (and minor injury). And a bit of patience and subtlety will get you there in the end. Maybe.

Couples on the trail

Okay, who’s set off on a gap year adventure with their future husband or wife, and come home with a completely different one – or returned jilted and single? Yeah, that’s quite a show of hands.

Despite mutual and undying devotion, relationships can struggle when the surroundings and circumstances change. Roughing it on the backpacker trail, meeting and joining up with new groups of people can chuck a spanner in your emotional machinery. After all, it’s about experience and expanding horizons, and that can easily spread into the love and sex side of things. So here’s a tip – make sure you’ve both the means to go your separate ways if your eyes start wandering and you realise you can’t bear each other any longer.

When it’s time for bed…

Or behind a bush, on the beach, in an aeroplane toilet, or halfway up a mountain – wherever, just don’t get yourselves arrested. After you’ve tripped over a few times, banged your elbows or put your foot in the toilet, figured out whether that bear will just watch or try and get involved – and stopped laughing – remember to keep it safe. Especially if the one you’re about to make funny noises with is the perfect stranger. It just makes sense. Safe sex is just as much fun in the short term, and means a lot less scratching, grimacing, howling, general discomfort and regret in the long term. And unplanned offspring.

In other words, be prepared for safety and birth control in the back of beyond. Even if you’re on a mission to get laid as much as humanly possible, it’s worth taking enough known-brand protection with you. You might need another suitcase, but there aren’t many chemists or johnny machines on mountainsides or behind bushes. If there are, be worried.

Know before you go

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with going on holiday purely to chase the opposite sex relentlessly. Within reason, obviously. Just be honest with yourself and anyone you’re travelling with, and try to travel with friends who have hopes and dreams that fit in with yours. It’s only fair. Going on holiday with your grandmother and stumbling in for breakfast after 20 minutes’ sleep, stinking of sex while a dishevelled lover climbs out of your holiday apartment window with bad hair and only one shoe – that’s bad form. Even if your grandma is as deaf as a post.

And finally…

Wherever you go, the difference between ‘yes’ and ‘no’ will be pretty distinct, so take whichever it is as the final answer, and you’ll avoid a whole world of problems. The finer details are for your better judgement, so listen to your brain as much as… you know, those stirrings of the loins, primeval instincts and telltale protrusions.

Ultimately, have fun and stay safe. That’s what sex is all about, wherever you do it. There are lots of people on their travels looking for love, sex, a travelling partner to get jiggy with – or just a sweaty dance, a long slobbery kiss and a walk on the beach. Anything that makes you both feel damn good… oh yeah… keep doing that… that’s it…